Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Is It Well With My Soul?

Is it well with my soul?
When troubles mount up and the skies grow dark, is it to the Lord whom I turn to for help?
When I hate what I see in the mirror
When I cry tears of pain
When I gasp mouthfuls of hurt
When the world comes crashing onto me
When I struggle with the apathy of not giving a damn

Do I turn to the Lord?
Is it well with my soul?

Every time I turn aside
Fapping to porn. Addictive games.
Each time looking a brief ride
To leave my responsibilities and my anxiety

Yet the more I do it.
The more hollow I become.
The longer I stare at that screen
The more I can see myself slipping away
Pixel by pixel

Not because I struggle with my horniness
Nor because I enjoy video games sometimes that I become enraptured in them.
No.
It is because for that short amount of time
Or some days, a long amount of time
I no longer place the Lord as the most important in my life
Instead I replace him, in all his majesty, love, peace and patience
With something that should never be there.

So Lord God.
When the walls come crashing down.
When my friends forsake me
And my family hates me
May I always find refuge in your embrace
May it always be well with my soul

Not so that I can only lean on you in the hard times.
But through both the good and the bad
May the Lord my God, My Saviour.

Be the only thing in my life that I ever need. Ever want. Ever had.

All My Life I Have Wanted To Be In Love

All my life I have wanted to fall in love.

I love the desperation. 

The honesty.

The vulnerability.

The love.

I have liked many a girl. I have even possibly come close to loving one.

Yet I never thought that this would happen.

I never thought I would fall out love.

I never thought that my feelings would sink away.

Each day a little more of the pool in my heart, drying up.

And as much as I hated the pain of knowing that my feelings for her were not returned.

The bittersweet pain of her not even thinking of me in more than just a friend.

I hate this more.

I no longer have no pain to cling desperately onto, like a drowning sailor.

My fingernails digging in with all might as my lifejacket is slowly wrenched from my grip.

As she slowly escapes the aspirations of my heart and dreams.

Instead I now stand at the shores of my heart.

Watching in the distance the beauty of the sea.

Yes, I still see the storms. 

The waves. 

The deadly currents and the sharks slowly circling.

But out there at least I had the occasional glimpse of hope.

Of rescue.

Of my lifejacket. 

Of my aspirations.

Of her.

Instead I now stand here, the waves now crashing at my feet. The sand running between my toes.

I am trapped on a desert island.

Baren. 

Devoid of life.

Devoid of feelings.

But I want to care about her once again.

I want to slowly sink under the waves, with her almost within reach.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Love

Love.

The smile that brightens your face when you see that you have a text from her.

Love.

The lump in your throat when she smiles and looks your way.

Love.

The way that her black wavy hair delicately brushes over her exposed shoulder.

Love.

The twinkle in her eye when she looks at you with some hidden joke.

Love.

The sound of her laugh reaching my ears like a bubbling brook watering a cracked desert.

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Bittersweet Taste of Love

Your beauty is that of myths and legends,
So rare and precious that men would fight over you.
For you have become the essence of all things captivating,
In a way, only you could do.

You have stolen my attention,
Like a thief in the night.
And my knees grow weak,
Every time you enter my sight.

With eyes like jewels,
That lure my gaze.
Your skin so soft,
You never cease to amaze.

I find being with you is like a drug,
An emotional high that never descends.
Every time you glance or at me or give me a hug,
I want it to never end.

Your laugh like the rain,
A pleasant sound to my ears.
Yet I watch in fascination,
As you fill me with all the fear,
Of all the things I could wrong,
When you're next to me, right here.
For I would pronounce my undying love for you,
If only you would hear.

But now as you have ignored me,
My day seems as black as night.
Your light is gone from my world,
Vanishing far away from my sight.

And yet I would cross the farthest ocean,
Just to be by your side,
To hear you say my name.
With me you could confide,
All your secrets, all your pain.
All your hurts you want to hide.
But alas, it wasn't meant to be.
So here I will eternally bide,
On the other side of the farthest ocean,
Waiting for you to be here,
By my side.


The Closet Door

 I'm sure I close the closet door alot more than I ever open it.

This thought perplexed me as I reversed my car, headed to another monotonous day of work. I was a single 24 year old, who lived alone, didn't have any pets and very few friends. Strangely enough though, the closet door wasn't the only odd thing that had been happening over the last couple of weeks. I found many a thing not where I left it. The TV was on and on mute when I came back home the other day. My chicken sandwich had disappeared from the fridge this morning.

 What could possibly be causing this?

I dwelled on it as I continued my drive to work, and then  suddenly a solution came to mind.

 Screw it. I'm gona find out once and for all.

I slammed on my brakes, bringing the car to  a screeching halt. I did quick U turn and start heading back home. A few minutes later I pulled into my driveway, stopped my car and quickly walked to the door. Unlocking it and closing it behind me, I walked upstairs and into my bedroom only to be greeted by a familiar sight.

It had happened again.

The closet door was open.

I decided to put my plan into action. Closing the closet door first, I hurried over to my bedside drawers and opened the top draw, pulling out a black small bag. Unzipping it, I pulled out my video camera. I turned it on and positioned it on my bed, making sure that it can see the closet. I pressed the record button and then carefully positioned some dirty clothes over it, obscuring it from view, yet making sure that the lens wasn't blocked either.


My plan accomplished, I headed back downstairs, locked the door and hopped back into my car. Sure I was going to be late for work, but this was worth it.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                                                                
The day passed like any other day at work.

Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. Boss comes by to check on my progress, and starts asking questions. Yes Sir. No Sir. Three bags full sir.

Toilet.

Coffee break.

Repeat.

But what really was on my mind the whole day, was that video camera lying on my bed.

What will the video camera catch on film?

The thought plagued me as the hours slowly and painfully inched by. The hands of clock finally struck five, after what seemed like an eternity, and my day at work was finished. I walked very quickly through the office, needing to get home as soon as possible. I could see out of the corner of my eye that some of my co-workers were raising their eyebrows in amusement at the hurriedness of my pace, but I didnt care. I needed to see what that video camera recorded.

Workcard punched.

Crowded elevator.

Underground carpark.

Car keys in my hand.

Unlock my car.

Engine started.

Pedal to the metal.

My car shot out of the underground carpark and onto the road. I was probably speeding now that I think of it, but at the time, speeding was the least of my worries.

What will the video camera catch on film?

I pulled onto the onramp for the motorway, it usually being the fastest way home.

Fuck.

I had forgotten about the traffic. Cars lined the motorway, slowly inching along every few seconds. Everyone was trying to do what I was doing... Trying to get home.
                                  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The sun had set by the time I finally pulled onto the street that I lived on. It had taken me a good hour and a half to get home through that congested motorway, and to make things even worse, it seemed like the power was out for the whole suburb.

Stupid electricity companies doing work at the worst times. Typical.

I pulled into my drive, hopped out and almost ran to my front door. Unlocking it and closing it behind me,  I flicked on the light switch. Nothing happened. I let out a heavy sigh, as I remembered that the power is down. Stumbling in the dark, my hands outstretched feeling for the walls, I finally make it to my kitchen cupboards. My hand grasped blindly in the dark, trying to feel for the box of matches and  candles that I knew was there in the top shelf. Or at least, was meant to be in there.

Please. Please, still be here...Aah, got them.

Finally feeling them, I grabed them both and after a few minutes managed to start lighting candles. Leaving one candle flickering by the front door, I lit another one and my way upstairs. To my bedroom. Stepping through the doorframe, I squinted trying to see in the low light whether the closet door was open or closed.

Thank God.

The closet door was closed. Just as I left it. This, at least was a good sign. Heading over to the bed, I pulled of the clothes and looked for my video camera. It was also just where I left it. It was still even recording. I stopped and then saved the recording, and then I hit play.

I was glued to the screen, expecting to see some ghost to appear on the video recording.  A minute passed. Nothing happened. Then two, then three. I started fast forwarding it. Still nothing.

Maybe there was nothing after all.

Then suddenly something flashed across the screen in the video recording. I held my breath in anticipation , but  the fast forwarding was too fast and I couldn't see anything but a blur. I immediately rewound it and pressed play, and what I saw made my body freeze in terror.

A man had walked into my bedroom, opened the closet door, got inside, and closed the closet door.

HOLY FUCK!
Screw ringing the police! I have to get out of my house.. NOW!

Still holding the video camera, my legs lept into action. I raced out of my bedroom and down the stairs. Almost skidding on the floor, I turned while running, heading for the front door.  And then I froze.

There was a man blocking the door.

In his hands lay my metal baseball bat. A grin escaped his lips as he uttered but a single sentence.


"Did you think you were alone in the dark?"

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Mansion [Part 3]

We all stood there, staring at the bloody handprints.
Shocked.
Dumbfounded.
Matt was the first to break the silence. "That's it guys. We are getting out of here first, then we're gona call the police."
"Wait, we can't just leave that little girl.... She needs our help!" exclaimed Aroha, as she hurried over to Maria, enveloping the now crying beauty in her arms.
"Did you see a little girl, though? 'Cause I sure didn't. So let's just go now, okay!" spat out Randy.
"You bastard! Are you a calling me a liar?" shouted Maria, her shock quickly turning to anger. "I know what I saw!"
"Calm down guys!" I shouted over the top of everyone. "Let's just sort this out, and a make a decision. Together."
Surprisingly everyone stopped bickering, and looked my way, waiting for what I had to say next. I slowly rubbed my temple with my fingers, desperately trying to collect my thoughts and say something that would help.
"Look guys.." I continued "IF there is a little girl in there, and we leave now to go back to my place and call the police, it might be too late for her by the time the police arrive." I paused, then resumed. "How about we try get inside the Mansion, find the landline phone while keeping an eye out for this girl, and then call the police from the landline? Or does someone have a better idea?"
We discussed back and forth for a few minutes every option. Some accused others of being spineless cowards, others of being delusional drunkards, but at the end everyone agreed, some grudgingly, that we would go with my plan.
We split up initially, everyone circling the Mansion trying to find some open window or unlocked door that would allow us to sneak in, without having to forcefully break in. We soon found though that there was no such door or window. We reconvened and decided to smash a window, climb through it, and find the phone from there. Tane managed to find a nice rock that did the trick, and a few minutes later, we were all inside.
We all took in our surroundings. We were in a large library, bookshelves covering every part of the wall. We had a look around, but there was no phone. We checked the next room, and the one after that and still, there was no telephone. So we decided to split into two groups as to find the phone faster. One group, comprised of me, Kate, Randy, Aroha and Hayato, was going to keep checking the downstairs rooms, while the other group, comprised of Matt, Tane, Maria, Patricia, were going to check upstairs.
Minutes dragged by as we frantically looked around, hoping and praying to see that telephone, or some sign of that little girl. We entered the next room, a large lounge by the looks of it. And then we saw it. On a small coffee table in the corner of the room.
A phone.
Randy raced over to it, picked it up, put the phone to his ear. He reached down to dial, and then froze.
"What's wrong Randy?" Kate called out. Randy didn't reply. I followed Randy's gaze. The rotary dial of the telephone was covered in blood. And below it, lying on the carpet was a hand.
A mangled sawn off hand.
At the sight of so much blood, Randy wavered and fell to the floor, causing a loud bang to echo around the large lounge. He had fainted.
Before any of us could get to him though, we suddenly heard a noise. A noise that was coming from behind one of the couches. We had awoken something.... And now it was coming for us. I don't remember what the others did, but I stood motionless, my whole body frozen in fear. My eyes glued to that couch. The noise continued. It was coming closer. A hand emerged from behind the couch, the palm pushing hard against the carpet floor, as if holding someone up. The fingers on the hand extended out in opposing and unnatural angles. Someone had gone through the struggle to break every single finger in a different direction. An elbow soon followed the arm, and then a shoulder. And then a face...
It was a little girl.
Or what was left of a little girl.
Her nose had been cut off... Her earlobes, bitten off... Both of her eyes were almost completely swollen over by massive bruising that surrounded them. Parts of her scalp showed through, from where her long black hair and had been torn off. And I will not even describe to you what state the rest of her body was in, for such cruelty and malice has no place in the world of the living.
And even though it was the most horrific thing I'd ever seen, I yearned to run over to her side and pick her up. Comfort her, tell her everything was going to be okay. Tell her that she was still a beautiful little princess. Yet I did not move, nor did I speak, for the horror that my eyes beheld was paralyzing.
She must have looked at all of us, hurt by the looks of horror and disgust that we could not hide. But all I remember was locking eyes with her, those eyes brimming with pain and suffering that I could only begin to imagine. And as her bruised lips moved to utter something, I sank to my knees and began to weep.
"Help... Me...." the little girl gasped.

Monday, September 30, 2013

The Mansion [Part 2]

To be honest the trip there was quite uneventful. Sure some of us slipped over due to the slimey clay and got their arses dirty. Others somehow managed to find the deepest part of the bog, sinking past their knees into the dirty filthy water. Squeamish Maria even managed to convince Randy to piggy back her across the bog, though me and Matt were really hoping that Randy would trip, sending them both face first into the bog. I would have loved to have seen that. Anyways, we all crossed the bog eventually, and after a decent amount of hiking up the steep inclined hill, we made it. We all stood under the cover of the manuka trees that bordered the edge of the bush, drinking in the sight that lay before us.

Perfectly mown grass lawns stretched before us, intercepted by what looked like to be vegetable and flower gardens, and behind that - the Mansion. To be honest, it truly was a mansion in every sense. There was a massive tiled courtyard that surrounded the main entrance, decorated with tables, chairs  and even barbecues in a perfectly symmetrical design. All the doors and the frames of the windows and sliding doors appeared to be made out of solid mahogany wood, which in turn colour complemented both the tiled courtyard and the rest of the house's exterior walls. There seemed to be so many windows, that I never even tried to guess how many rooms lay within. All in all, I'd say that the Mansion covered at least 600 meters squared, if not more.

I remember it was Kate who made the first move. She must have stepped forth, her feet scrunching the perfectly trimmed grass, but to me it had always seemed like that girl glided on the air. The way she moved and turned...a dancing angel in our midst. The way that she flicked her long black curls, causing the sunlight to frame those deep blue eyes. Eyes that seemed to dance and smile whenever I saw them. She was my dream girl.

Kate turned around, surprised that no one had followed suit. "Come on guys" she giggled "Last one there buys next week's beer!" And with that, she raced off in a sprint towards the Mansion. That definitely did the trick. Within a matter of seconds we were all sprinting over the grass lawns, none of us wanting our wallets to be lighter next week.

Out of the eleven of us that sprinted across the imaginary finish line and onto the tiled courtyard,  it was Hayato and Patricia who tied for last place. "I guess that means we're having the double the amount of free beer next week!" I shouted to both of them, giving Matt a sneaky wink at the same time. Hayato immediately started cursing in Japanese, very unhappy at such a thought - which only caused us to break into fits of giggles and laughter.    
                                                                                 
"It's okay Hayato" I called back to him, struggling not to break in laughter again. "We don't drink that much...". That proved to be to be the last straw, as we all burst laughing again, the truth usually being far from that. Laughter is thankfully infectious and it was only a matter of seconds before Hayato was laughing alongside us, our lungs gasping for air.

"Well, I guess no one is home, or we would know by now I think" proclaimed Randy, pushing his ever slipping glasses back onto his nose. "He's got a point, guys" replied Tane " If there was, we would have been chased off by now by some guy with an air rifle, or some stupid freackin son of a-"

Tane was suddenly interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream that came from behind us. We all turned around, startled and freaked out by the terror that the scream had expressed.

 It was Maria.

She was standing rigidly still. Her body frozen in fear. Her mouth still open, as if her bloodcurdling scream had frozen in her throat. Her eyes leaking tears. Her right arm stretched out, pointing with a trembling hand. Pointing at one of the many sliding doors of the mansion.

Time slowed as my eyes followed her trembling pointing hand, hoping this was all some sick prank. But what I saw still haunts me to this very day. Leaking down the glass sliding door was two bloody handprints. Two long bloody handprints that seemed like they had been clawing at the glass.

"Girl...." Maria gasped "There was a little girl there."