Is It Well With My Soul?

Is it well with my soul?

When troubles mount up and the skies grow dark, is it to the Lord whom I turn to for help?

When I hate what I see in the mirror

When I cry tears of pain

When I gasp mouthfuls of hurt

When the world comes crashing onto me

When I struggle with the apathy of not giving a damn

Do I turn to the Lord?

Is it well with my soul?

Every time I turn aside

Fapping to porn. Addictive games.

Each time looking a brief ride

To leave my responsibilities and my anxiety

Yet the more I do it.

The more hollow I become.

The longer I stare at that screen

The more I can see myself slipping away

Pixel by pixel

Not because I struggle with my horniness

Nor because I enjoy video games sometimes that I become enraptured in them.

No.

It is because for that short amount of time

Or some days, a long amount of time

I no longer place the Lord as the most important in my life

Instead I replace him, in all his majesty, love, peace and patience

With something that should never be there.

So Lord God.

When the walls come crashing down.

When my friends forsake me

And my family hates me

May I always find refuge in your embrace

May it always be well with my soul

Not so that I can only lean on you in the hard times.

But through both the good and the bad

May the Lord my God, My Saviour.

Be the only thing in my life that I ever need. Ever want. Ever had.

All My Life I Have Wanted To Be In Love

All my life I have wanted to fall in love.

I love the desperation. 

The honesty.

The vulnerability.

The love.

I have liked many a girl. I have even possibly come close to loving one.

Yet I never thought that this would happen.

I never thought I would fall out love.

I never thought that my feelings would sink away.

Each day a little more of the pool in my heart, drying up.

And as much as I hated the pain of knowing that my feelings for her were not returned.

The bittersweet pain of her not even thinking of me in more than just a friend.

I hate this more.

I no longer have no pain to cling desperately onto, like a drowning sailor.

My fingernails digging in with all might as my lifejacket is slowly wrenched from my grip.

As she slowly escapes the aspirations of my heart and dreams.

Instead I now stand at the shores of my heart.

Watching in the distance the beauty of the sea.

Yes, I still see the storms. 

The waves. 

The deadly currents and the sharks slowly circling.

But out there at least I had the occasional glimpse of hope.

Of rescue.

Of my lifejacket. 

Of my aspirations.

Of her.

Instead I now stand here, the waves now crashing at my feet. The sand running between my toes.

I am trapped on a desert island.

Baren. 

Devoid of life.

Devoid of feelings.

But I want to care about her once again.

I want to slowly sink under the waves, with her almost within reach.